The Calvin

On the Internet yesterday I came across a picture from the 1950s of west Dearborn, Michigan. In the background of the photo was the old Calvin theater. That was a fun place to watch movies. But it was more for the patrons than the matinee.

I suspect that many Calvin theatergoers were regulars, but anyone could get into the act. Samples of what played out at the old movie house are abundant in my memory.

Once an usher came into the main body of the theater and announced (remember this was well before cell phones) "Phone call for Michael Brady! Phone call for Michael Brady!" About one third of the audience rose and started towards the lobby.

That poor usher. Another time he called out, "Phone call for Cloyce! Phone call for Cloyce!" From all over the place came many voices. "Cloyce! Phone!" "Better get the phone Cloyce!" "Yo! Cloyce! Phone!" "Cloyce! Yer interruptin' the movie!" In exasperation the usher finally responded, "Aw come on, guys!" which of course only made it worse. They really piled on then.

The feature film did occasionally hold the attention of the crowd. An actress in one less than classic movie was inspecting her house for a strange noise. She crept towards the door of her room, cat like in tread. Reaching it, she slowly turned the knob. At that, the camera cut to the other side of the door. The actress opened it tensely, the creaking sound filling the atmosphere, and carefully stuck her head out of the opening to look into the hall. Through it all the place was stone quiet until someone said, "Hello? Can I help you?" The spell was broken.

A pizzeria was built where the Calvin once sat. The pizza is good, but the entertainment was better at the theater.

At Risk

A few hours ago, in the wee hours of the day, I pulled up an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. It turned out to be a classic, the one with Torgo the White appearing to take TV's Frank to second banana Heaven. Torgo promised Frank they would meet Joe Besser there. You know, Joe Besser, who was briefly a Stooge after Shemp died? No, not Curly Joe DeRita. He came after that.

Anyway, and naturally enough, commercials interrupted my viewing. One which did catch my eye concerned a medical condition which, if it developed in you, would increase your risk of death fourfold. And I thought, don't we all have the same risk of death though?

Just sayin'.

Day one

It's 4:12 AM in the Cosgriff bunker, and all is quiet. Perhaps too quiet.

Cue melodramatic piano chord...now.

The toilet paper bandits were chased off a few hours ago by a deranged old man with a rake. That may or may not have been me. But it got the miscreants off the lawn.

Fear is in the air. It's palpable. You can feel it, hear it.

Wait, that's just the television. Barnaby Jones; haven't seen it in years. I believe he manages to catch the culprit in the end. You can count on Buddy Ebsen.

There's a noise, irregular thumping and bumping. It's coming from the basement; I must investigate, and I must use caution.

Oh, sorry, it's the dryer. I had put a load of laundry in as I was wide awake in the wee hours before the dawn and decided to do something useful.

The wee hours. Who thought of that turn of phrase?

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll turn a couple more phrases tomorrow. Hopefully better ones. Hopefully the tension will break by then. But I'm almost out of hand sanitizer.

It's time for Rifftrax

Tonight is Rifftrax live night. If you're not familiar with Rifftrax, it's a comedy thing where three guys mock old and new, good and bad movies. On nights like tonight they broadcast live to theaters throughout the country, originating in Nashville, Tennessee. Tonight's film is a mocking of The Five Doctors movie from the Doctor Who franchise. It should be good.

Granted, their kind of humor isn't for everyone. But like a lot of good comedy many of their riffs (jokes) actually make a kind of sense. When they question sparkly vampires, as they did when lambasting the Twilight films, it actually makes sense. Why would vampires sparkle? Why, also, would werewolves eat muffins for breakfast, as they do in the Stephanie Meyer, uh, classics?

I'm just skimming the top here. Rifftrax finds and mocks all those old school short films which we were subjected to years ago. It mocks them well; if you know who Mr. B Natural is, you are on my page. Check out their website. There's something for everyone.

All right, enough of this. I'm beginning to sound like a commercial, and I'm not. I simply love Rifftrax. And you should too.

This has been from a non-compensated spokesperson I assure you.