Shared Birthdays

As I picked up my rental car the other day, I dutifully offered a credit card and my driver's license to the young woman at the counter. "Hey! We have the same birthday!"

"You're 66?" I exclaimed.

She did not find the joke as funny as I did...

The Harmless Catch-22

Dad jokes.

Don't buy flowers from monks. Only you can prevent florist friars.

I'm opening a car repair shop. I'll call it Auto Correct.

And then there's the ones which ensnare young kids in a vicious catch-22. My own Dad's favorite was to ask a kid, "If you have twenty-six sheep and one of them died, how many would have left? " If naive, unsuspecting child answered 25, he's say no, you'd have 19, insisting he said twenty sick sheep. If poor, unfortunate young 'un actually replied 19 me Pops would insist he said 26. It was a vicious, unwinnable cycle.

But no long term psychological damage was done. I don't think.

If Need Be

At around Noon yesterday I sat along the concourse of Comerica Park waiting for the Detroit Tigers-Baltimore Orioles game. It was an awful 10-9 loss for the home team, one which makes me hate removing pitchers too quickly and the ghost runner in extra innings all the more. But enough of that rant, even if it needs to be said. I have a joke to tell this morning. A very bad one, but better than the game. Honest.

A few feet away from the picnic table where I ate a piece of pizza and drank a Diet Coke, there was, mounted on an iron beam, a defibrillator. They're rather common these days, and understandably so. Yet that one heralded across the top of the box, 'Emergency Defibrillator'. Does that mean it can only be used when the regular defibrillator doesn't work or is not available?

Look, I was up front that it was a bad joke. But it was better than the game, at least for us Tigers fans.

Red Giants

Science can be interesting. But it can scare you too.

I read an article yesterday which said that our Sun will become a red giant star which will consume the Earth as it expands. I thought it said this would be in five million years.

Then I double checked, and it turns out we have five billions years. Boy, did I breath a sigh of relief.

Yeah, slow news day, Ron.

Customer Base

While on the road early yesterday me brother Phil and I decided to stop for breakfast. We arrived at the front doors of a restaurant exactly as the manager was unlocking them for business. "Just the two of you today?" she asked pleasantly.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll have more customers than us," Phil quipped.

"It's really too early for jokes, sir," she responded. But I thought it was good.

Happy Anniversary?

Large companies, and I suppose small ones too, like to brag about any lack of accidents at their establishments. That's all right of course, and long term safety is a good thing. Yet how we frame things affects perspective.

Most of us have seen or worked at places with signs that announce, 'Accident free for 107 days' or the like. Of course, good for them. Then I saw a sign which proclaimed 'Accident free for 365 days' and my first thought was, are you celebrating the first year anniversary of an adverse incident?

Have a laugh, and have a great Friday, although you may obviously need to look somewhere other than here for the former.

Teen Cloyce

A few years back (okay, quite a few years back; quiet Ron) when my children were in middle school, I spent some time as a baseball coach on their various teams. It was generally fun, and made for easy Dad points. I got credit for doing stuff with the kids all the while doing something I liked, namely messing around on a ball diamond hitting and catching and throwing with relatively like minded young individuals.

One day before a practice a fellow dad of a young boy on the team, I'll call the kid Teen Cloyce just to give him a name, asked if I could possibly give his son a ride home. "Sure," I told him. It was no trouble at all, and it wasn't. Mostly.

After practice I waited for all the other kids to get picked up, as I was head coach at the time and that was part of the job. When the last left I told me son Frank and Teen Cloyce, "I'm a bit hungry. You guys feel like McDonald's?"

It was surprisingly easy to convince a couple of 13 year olds that that was a fine idea. So we headed for the nearest Mickey D's.

We went inside and ordered at the counter. That's when Teen Cloyce out of the blue asked the young woman cashier, "Do you guys have one of those hidden warning buttons that you push to call the cops when someone's trying to rob the place?"

I'd have rather he had been brazen enough to ask her for her phone number. Instead she stopped suddenly and, mouth agape and eyes becoming pied, stared at Teen Cloyce. Then she looked fearfully at me, who was standing aside stupidly, my hands in my hoodie pockets exactly as though I might be carrying a hidden weapon. Her eyes began darting around for the manager.

That was when it hit me what Teen Cloyce had asked. "Cloyce! You don't ask things like that!"

"I was just curious!" he replied, slightly panicked by then himself.

Turning to the cashier I said, overly and overtly calmly, "We're just here for a late lunch." 

With a nervous smile she gave me my change. But I insisted to the boys that we would take our meals to a nearby park to eat.

Wiper Cost

When I first picked up my newer older van, the 96 Chevy which went to newer older van Heaven in Alger this past August, it needed windshield wiper blades. Therefore, off I went to the auto parts store for replacements.

In the parking lot I plucked the blade off the driver's side, the worst of the two, to measure it against the new ones. An attendant in the store asked me if he could help. "I need wiper blades," I explained. Then I was able to use one of those ever-so-clever Dad jokes which everyone enjoys. "Unless you can fix this one," I said, showing the young man the shredded old wiper. Humoring an old man, he politely answered no, although he was likely feeling sorry for my kids and grandkids, a thought he kindly kept to himself.

Hammering away on a computer keyboard he soon found the requisite part number. "We have super fantastic ultra reinforced life changing windshield wiper blades for $29.99!" he exclaimed with confidence.

Now it was time for the famous Spock raised eyebrow. "Young man, it's a vehicle which is 27 model years old. I'm not spending that kind of money on wiper blades."

Sheepishly smiling, he went back to his search. A minute later he offered, "We have the in-store brand for seven dollars, sir."

"Thank you. I'll take two," I replied. I mean, how life changing can windshield wipers be?

Thursday Fun

Did you hear about the guy who was stealing appendages from the mannequin factory?

He was found guilty of armed robbery.

Look, I didn't sleep well last night, okay?

Make 'em laugh

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A gallon of water, because butane is lighter fluid.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus today. I mean, it's awful. Awful.

After I was shopping yesterday the cashier couldn't scan one of my items. "That must be free," I told her.

Did I ever tell you about when I was fired unjustly from my job at a calendar factory? All because I took a couple days off.

My son complained during the winter that the house was too cold. I told him go stand in the corner. He demanded why. I said the corner is 90 degrees.

You're welcome.

No Place Like Home

I stopped by an old friend's house a few days ago. "You're welcome to whatever you like, Marty. Just treat the place like your own home."

So I threw him out, because I didn't want visitors. 

Okay. Where's my rim shot?

Pure Bull

"Sure Marty, we can bull you."

I must admit I was at first taken aback by that response to an email I sent last week. It was to one of my suppliers in response to a small parts order sent via the ol' Internet.

No one wants bull of course. But in the next part of the reply they had copied and pasted the relevant part of my own missive: 'Please ship and bull Cosgriff Sales...'

I like jokes, and I like joking with people who can joke. Touche, my friend. Touche.

They did add that, kidding aside, they would ship the order within the next three days. 

Saturday Silliness

The big trouble with seasickness? It comes in waves.

I once suffered from hypochondria. Placebos cured me.

My wife insists she isn't putting glue on my firearms. But I'm sticking to my guns.

From Groucho Marx: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I failed math class more times than I can count.

Russian dolls are just full of themselves.

Have you noticed that despite the high cost of living, it remains popular? 

I'll show myself out now...

Pulsating Humor

My pulse has always been low. As a matter of fact, it was 46 at my last checkup in June. My doctor isn't particularly worried, yet as with so many other things as we age he wants to 'keep an eye on it'. "So when do we start to get concerned?" I asked my MD.

"If it gets to 40 or less."

"Ah," I responded, "At that point we have to 'pump' my heart up?"

The doctor stared at me for a couple of seconds, then blinked once and said, "I have other patients to see, Mr. Cosgriff."

Hey, come on. It's clever.

It'll Wait

I wrote this review on Amazon about a book on how to avoid procrastination:

This is an excellent book to help you get moving at your job, your home, or your hobbies. It's well thought out with easy to follow step by step guides in the process. These are real world solutions which will help you understand and overcome your procrastination. It really worked for me. Read it first thing tomorrow!

Ain't I a stinker?

Shear Cruelty

Sometimes I think Bill Cosgriff was mean. Me Pops could be guilty of sheer cruelty. Oh yes. He could.

He liked to ask young kids, "If you had twenty sick sheep and one them died, how many would you have left?" If the kid answered 19 he would insist the correct answer was 26 because what he had actually said was twenty five. Of course, if the kid said 26 me Pops would insist the answer was 19 because he had asked about twenty sick sheep. The kid was doomed either way, and Pops loved it.

It took me years to get the joke. Quiet Ron.

Monday Monday

As I drove about town Saturday afternoon I happened by a school. A large banner on the lawn announced their upcoming Kindergarten Roundup. And now, all I can hear is the Rawhide theme.

Have a great week folks.

How I Think

Inside the mind of Marty...

Surfing around the Internet this morning, I stumbled upon an ad for a charity. It was asking for help feeding the poor in undeveloped countries. The ad said, 'Help us get nourishing milk to a hungry child'. I thought, does this mean there are organizations getting un-nourishing milk for them?

I know, I know. I'll let myself out.

Hit It

One of me Pops favorite jokes involved hammers. 

When something had to be hammered into or out of place but required two people, he would employ it. He'd take the part in question and proceed to line it up with where it had to be driven. His exact instructions were, "Let me line this up, and then when I nod my head, hit it."

Dad meant hit the object, not his head. Just so you understand the joke.

To Wick or Not to Wick

This past weekend I bought three T-shirts which were advertised as 'wicking'. That is, they're supposed to draw off water and moisture. As they were only $7.99 and pocketed (I like pocketed tees) I bought them. But now I have a problem.

How do I wash the things?