It won't be on my account

I'm not letting myself be played this time around. Oh, no, no, no.

Thanks to reading an article online brought to me by the Internet and our trusted mainstream media, I won't be caught unawares by shortages. It seems that among anticipated potential shortages in the coming months, toilet paper and coffee are high on the list. Well, I for one won't be driven to madness over it.

In recent days I've bought what's supposedly the equivalent of 114 rolls of toilet paper (why isn't it bathroom tissue anymore, which sounds so much better?) and will likely buy more in the coming days. And coffee, oh, you other hoarders won't be getting a leg up on me. Thanks to Ollie's Bargain Outlet and Cedarville Foods I have six large cans of Chase and Sanborn, my coffee of choice. I figure I'm set for about a year and a half on java.

There are other things which maybe, might be subject to unavailability. Carbonated drinks are among them. But the bottom line is this. I won't be caught wanting when the shortages which may be, could be coming, according to our wise and knowledgeable experts and their media friends. I'm all set on coffee and, uh, bathroom tissue. And I am also satisfied knowing that I won't be part of the coming problem either. I figure I can gouge you-all for about twenty bucks a pound on the coffee alone.

The upcoming great TP shortage of 2021

I think it's time for old Marty to stir the pot. I'm going to go shopping later today.

That doesn't seem like a big deal, but here's the thing: I'm going to pick up four shopping carts at the entrance to Meijer. Then I'll head straight to the toilet paper aisle and fill all four buggies to overflowing. I intend to put in every package of bathroom tissue I can keep from tumbling off as high of a stack as I can create in each cart. Maybe I'll bring along the bungee cords from my car to help stabilize the load. Then I'll carefully maneuver the carts to the checkout, doing my best to make sure everyone sees me. I'll go up and down unnecessary aisles for attention.

As I pay for the to TP I'll be grumbling loudly that I hope I'm buying enough. Then I'll head out to my van, openly complaining all over again. It will help that I'll get the carts with the squeekiest wheels possible to draw attention to me. I'm also hoping to buy enough that I can tie a ton of it to the luggage racks on top of the car so that everyone on the road can see me too.

So when the next toilet paper shortage begins, yours truly will have started it.

Quiet, Ron.