It's so easy to fix a snake

 No, Mungo! Never kill a customer! -from Monty Python's Dirty Fork sketch

Those are certainly words to live by. I have never come close to killing a customer. At least, so far as the police know. But I have snapped at a couple of them.

Several years ago during a period when we were extremely busy and running about one week to ten days behind in repairs (not unlike now quite honestly) a guy walked into the old barn. He had a machine which wasn't running and wanted me to take a look at it. I said I would, but that if it required anything serious he'd have to leave it and I'd get to it as soon as I could.

I followed him out to his van and he produced a little General Sewerooter Junior which had wires hanging out of the motor in a terrible jumble. A real bird's nest, me Pops used to say. It would have taken an hour simply to sort everything out, to get all the wiring back in place so that I might then start diagnosing the real problem. On top of that, his cable was tangled inside the drum. I shook my head and said to the man, "You're going to have to leave that with me."

He began, "Well all you have to do is..."

I cut him off right there. "Then you do it," I replied, admittedly rather harshly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Then you do it," I repeated. "If it's all that simple, why are you bringing it to me? Why don't you have it done already?"

"You don't have to get that way, man," he protested.

In me best Grandpa Joe voice I half yelled back, "Yes! Yes I do! Everybody thinks their mess is so easy to fix after they messed it up worse and then expect a miracle from me! I'm not putting you in front of anybody else for this!"

The man left. I didn't kill him, but I haven't seen him since either.

Hold Thy Tongue Marty

As a general rule, it really is best to hold your tongue. But, hell, sometimes that can be hard.

I sent an order UPS to a customer. Okay, I sent my brother out with the package to UPS it to a customer, but potato, pa-tat-o. After he had left the old barn, and as they had prepaid, I sent an email explaining that the order was on its way and that I would be snail mailing a paid invoice later that day. That's a standard business practice, right?

The next day I received an email from said customer wondering why, as they received the parcel, there was not an invoice enclosed. They enquired, would I be sending one by the regular mail?

I might not have been quite so upset with the question except that they asked it in a reply to the original email informing them that a paid invoice was forthcoming in the regular mail. 

Bite. Thy. Tongue. Marty. 

I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to reply to the email by asking if they actually read their emails. I cannot tell you how seriously I considered a smarmy, snide response. Something along the lines of, 'What? You didn't get an invoice? I will overnight air one to you immediately!' or some such. But no, I calmly replied that one was already in the mail, and to let me know if they didn't get it soon. 

I'm easing my anger by writing this blog entry. But I'll bet you know the feelings I'm dealing with, eh?

Good Customer

A fella appreciates honesty. It can renew faith in humanity.

It was a zoo yesterday at the old barn. It was particularly hectic between around 10 until Noon, where literally one customer after another (and three at a time twice) waited, all of them patiently to their credit, for service. I haven't had a run of business like that in quite a long while. 

One customer returned 15 minutes or so after I had done a quick fix on his snake. My first thought was a lament: "What's wrong? Did I not do the job right? Rats. I don't need this right now."

But that wasn't it. "Hey Cosgriff! I forgot to pay you," he said upon opening the Shop door.

I didn't realize he hadn't. It completely slipped my mind. Things were so hectic that as soon as I finished his job I had simply thanked him, and he me, and left without either of us thinking about the money aspect. All was totally incidental on both of us. 

I would likely had never given it a second thought. I'd have assumed he paid. He's a long time customer and completely trustworthy, as he proved by returning. 

Work was a mess yesterday. Yet that one bright spot made it all worthwhile. 

Temper Temper

I know very well that me Grandpa Joe would lose his temper too quickly. But damn, some days I understand why he did.

A customer called me the other day asking about a part, which I had in stock. Upon telling him that the guy asked, "Will you be in your shop around three o'clock?" 

It was not an unfair question. As we do route sales as well as pickup and delivery, we don't really have set hours these days. "I plan on it, but if you're telling me you're coming at three I'll make sure to be here then."

"That's just it, Cosgriff. I'm busy, and I don't where I'll be at three."

Mentally, I hit the ceiling. I was instantly, though quietly, infuriated. "Why the hell are you asking me if I'll be available at three if you don't know you'll be able to come at three?" Instead I replied through gritted teeth, "Just call me when you're on your way."

I mean, really. You're asking me to commit to a time you can't commit too? Are you even thinking about what you're saying?

Sometimes Joe was right to lose his temper. I think sometimes we all are.

Injury to Insult

A long time customer called yesterday for a price on an admittedly expensive item. I told him upfront that it was pricey, so I believe I was playing fair with him. I then told him the price. "Wow," he exclaimed. "You are high."

Okay, dude, you kind of insulted me there. My prices are fair and competitive (as you should know by now), and I warned you that what you were asking for had a significant cost. Further, you don't have to pay it. You don't want to buy it from me, don't buy it from me. No harm, no foul. There's no obligation on your part and I freely recognize that. Indeed, I appreciate you giving me the chance for the sale in the first place. But your remark indicates that you think maybe I'm cheating you. I don't take that kindly.

Then he blurts out, "Is there anywhere else I can get it?"

That started the insulting all over again, but I tried to make a joke of it, even if a veiled barb. "It's not exactly a standard business practice for me to keep a ready list of competitors who beat my price, for referral to my customers." 

I think he got the point. "Uh, I'm sorry, Marty. I didn't mean nothing." The truth is, he probably didn't, so I stayed cool. And he did buy the part; I have his check in hand as I type. Still, I can't help but feel just a little put out just the same.

Tough Toenails

Customers, they are the most important part of any sales business. They can be (they ordinarily are) the best thing about sales, and at times the worst. At other times they can be downright odd and unusual, and even slightly disgusting. Disturbing, really.

I remember one guy who sat down while I was welding an end on his drain snake cable. He asked for a pair of wire cutters. So I gave him a set, and commenced upon the repair.

He began unlacing his boots. I didn't think much about that; I really only barely noticed it and dismissed it immediately, almost without thought. He was probably just tightening or adjusting the boots, right?

Pulling enough steel cable out of his machine so as to be able to work with it, I ground the end flat and secured it in my bench vice. After screwing in a fitting and brazing  it to ensure it would stay, I shut off my torch and turned to tell him his repair was done. But my voice caught in my throat. He had his boots off and was trimming his toenails with my wire cutters. Talk about being a little too comfortable in your surroundings.

I said nothing. I turned back to my workbench and began tinkering with another repair. Eventually the man said, "Well, what do I owe you?"

'A new set of wire cutters', I should have said. Instead I just stammered something like, uh, thirty bucks.

It was surely overreaction, for they were only wire cutters and had been used to cut far dirtier things than someone's toenails. In fact, that idea by itself added to my disgust at what he had done: seeing to personal grooming with greasy, dirty tools. 

After the man left I picked the tool up with a pair of pliers and threw it away. I replaced them with a new pair that afternoon. I simply didn't want to use them after that incident, and boiling work tools (if you're not a surgeon) seems stupid.

To this day I cringe at the idea of someone arbitrarily trimming his toenails with my tools in my workshop. I mean, really? Why would it even occur to anyone to do that?

Anybody Home?

Adrian is a small town in Lenawee County Michigan, about 90 minutes southwest of Detroit. It's the kind of place I wouldn't mind making a home: small town living close enough to the big city for big city conveniences. I was just there yesterday.

The profusion of cell phones means that cities such as Adrian are very close. Close enough that customers can easily reach you, as one did me late yesterday afternoon. He wanted to drop off his machine for repair. "I'm sorry, but no one's there. Me brother Phil has the day off, and I'm in Adrian. Bring it to my shop tomorrow," I explained.

"Oh. Well, could I bring it now and you check it tomorrow?"

Oh-kay. I re-explained (in little words with a very precise cadence) that I was an hour and a half from the old barn and Phil was not available, so that there was nobody there to leave it with. What I did not ask (although I wanted to) was, what part of  'I'm in Adrian, bring it tomorrow' was not clear in the first place?

I'll give you a dime to a dollar he doesn't show after all.

Can you hear the words coming out of my mouth?

Being in sales, one of my jobs is to help the customer. In fact, that's probably my primary job. And I want to help the customer. I especially want to help him when I can make money from that aid.

A man called me yesterday asking for a part I did not have. It was a very specific part too, one that I am truly certain I am the only person in the Detroit area from whom it can be gotten. I just plain didn't have it.

"Well, where else can I get it from, Cosgriff?" he asked.

"Nowhere, sorry. I can order it, take me about two weeks," I responded.

There was a heavy sigh on the other of the phone. "Okay, then, where was that other place you sent me before?"

Now it was my turn to let out a heavy sigh. "There is no other place in the Detroit area."

"But you told me a place before."

"No, I didn't. There is nowhere else in the area."

"It was between 9 and 10 Mile." I don't know if he thought that hint was really helpful. But it wasn't.

"I have no idea what that might be," I assured him, perhaps a bit huffily I'll admit.

He paused before adding, as if repetition makes something true, "Yeah, it was between 9 and 10."

At that point I wanted to blow up at him. I wanted to yell, "Look, bud, you can crisscross 9 and 10 mile roads their entire lengths and will not find that part. There is NO PLACE anywhere between 9 and 10 that will have it. But go ahead, waste your day looking. I've been as much help as I can be." Instead I said through clenched teeth, "Well, if you find it call me and we'll set up a time to install it."

He'll be calling back later to order the stupid thing. In the meanwhile if he elects to fritter away his time chasing windmills, he deserves whatever that entails.

Kick starters

I'm surely guilty of it too, but I do wonder how often people actually hear what they're saying.

A customer brought a machine into the Shop this morning; it would not turn as soon as you hit the on button, as it should. "What's wrong with it Cosgriff?"

I answered that until I got into the repair I would not know, but it could be as bad a blown motor. "They're can't be nothing wrong with the motor, Cosgriff, because I can kick start it."

"You what?"

"I can kick start it. I can turn the clutch with a flip of my foot and the motor starts running."

He didn't hear what he said.

Of course something is wrong with the motor because you should not have to kick start it. Besides, if nothing's wrong with the motor why are you in my Shop talking to me?

He didn't hear that in his head either I bet.

Late in Adrian

Adrian is a nice small town in Lenawee County Michigan, about 90 minutes southwest of Detroit. It's the kind of place I wouldn't mind making a home: small town living close enough to the big city for big city conveniences. I was just there yesterday.

The profusion of cell phones means that cities such as Adrian are very close. Close enough that customers can easily reach you there, as one did me late yesterday afternoon. He wanted to drop off his machine for repair. "I'm sorry, but I'm in Adrian and I'll be late today. Bring it to my shop tomorrow," I explained.

"Oh. Well, could I bring it now and you check it tomorrow?"

Oh-kay. What I did not ask (although I wanted to) was, what part of  'I'm in Adrian and I'll be late bring it tomorrow" was not clear?

I'm asking for a friend.

The not bad motor

I'm probably guilty of it too, but I do wonder if people always hear what they're saying.
A customer brought a machine into the Shop this morning. It had to be kick started. That is, it would hum when you hit the 'on' button but you needed to hand spin the pulley before the motor would turn. "What's wrong with it Cosgriff?"
I answered that until I got into the repair I would not know, but it could be as bad a blown motor. "They're can't be nothing wrong with the motor, Cosgriff, because I can kick start it."
He didn't hear what he said.
Of course something is wrong with the motor because you should not have to kick start it. Besides, if nothing's wrong with the motor why are you in my Shop talking to me?
Some people's kids...

One mile past, or, missed it by that much

You know, people are stupid. Really, profoundly stupid. I'm learning that more and more with each passing day.

To be sure, there has been ample evidence of it the last thirty years of my life. What does, yet should not astound me, is how I can still be amazed when it happens.

The latest examples come from my sales job. In directing a potential new customer to my store, I cautioned him not to go beyond Warren Avenue here in Detroit; he would have gone too far if he had. An hour later I get a call from the guy's cell. He was more than a mile beyond our place of business. "I saw Warren and never saw you so I kept on going," he explained to me. You saw the street which I told you was too far and KEPT GOING? It never occurred to you to circle around?

My other phone started ringing, so I hung up on him. I employed Red Foreman's favorite phrase as I did.

Another fella called to asked if he could have his snake (slang for the drain cleaning equipment we sell) repaired by us. "Probably, but tell me what you have so that I can tell you if I have access to the parts you might need," I asked.

"A snake," he responds.

"Okay," I said, trying to be patient, "But what type of machine exactly?"

"Uhh, the kind that opens sewers."

I asked, with no little exasperation, "I need a make and model number."

"Uhhhhhh, y'all worked on it 'bout five years ago..." he began.

Click.

Dang. I hung up on my only customer from 2012. That was such a good year too.

I tell you, the Harvard Business School is dead wrong. The customer isn't always right.

Why the surprise?

One of the fascinating things about repairing drain cables and equipment are the the laments which I hear along the way. At times I wonder if people ever actually think about what they say.

Broken cables always just break. The operator never ever put too much pressure on it. Never ever. They were simply feeding it into the drain line and it broke. One fella even claimed, I am not making this up, that he just looked at his machine and the cable snapped. Of course, he was kinda ugly...but the point is that most cable breakages supposedly occur though absolutely no fault of the operator. Right.

A favorite of mine is the question, why did my machine break? It is often asked with incredulity. My normal answer is, I think, obvious. Everything is subject to break. Nothing made by human hands lasts forever. Your equipment, your cars, your refrigerator; they all break, and sometimes we just don't know why. Why are you be shocked by that?

Then there's the equally incredulous, it was working and then it just stopped! Again, why are you surprised? Everything works until it doesn't.

Sometimes I just sigh about it. Other times I blog about it. Today is your lucky day.

Hearing what they want

And other things about customers...
They always round down. Always.
"How much is that part, Cosgriff?"
"Thirty-three dollars."
"Okay, thirty dollars." No, thirty three. And then remember there's sales tax, doofus.
Then there are the ones who believe inflation is almost a daily event with my prices. They ask things like, "How much is that part, Cosgriff?"
"Thirty-three dollars."
"Wow. They done gone up since last week." No, they haven't. That part has been $33 bucks since 2012. If you paid more than that last week, you bought it from someone but me.
Then there are ones who haven't bought a cable in a couple of decades. "How much is that cable, Cosgriff?"
"$49.30."
"What? Last time I paid $33 dollars!" I don't doubt you did: in 1989.
Ah, customers.

Don't go Mungo on anyone

No, Mungo! Never kill a customer! -from Monty Python's Dirty Fork sketch

Those are certainly words to live by. I have never come close to killing a customer. At least, so far as the police know. But I have snapped at a couple of them.

Several years ago during a period when we were extremely busy and running about one week to ten days behind in repairs a guy walked into the old barn. He had a machine which wasn't running and wanted me to take a look at it. I said I would, but that if it required anything serious he'd have to leave it and I'd get to it as soon as I could.

I followed him out to his van and he produced a little General Sewerooter Junior which had wires hanging out of the motor in a terrible jumble. A real bird's nest, my Pops used to say. It would have taken an hour simply to sort everything out, to get all the wiring back in place so that I might then start diagnosing the real problem. I shook my head and said to the man, "You're going to have to leave that with me."

He began, "Well all you have to do is,"

But I cut him off right there. "Then you do it," I replied, admittedly rather harshly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Then you do it," I repeated. "If it's all that simple, why are you bringing it to me? Why don't you have it done already?"

To this day I stand by that. Why are you bringing it to me if it's so danged easy? Why are you wasting both of our times?

I didn't kill him, but I haven't seen him since either.

The duck's back theorem of life

There are a few things he said which I try to live by. I was reminded of one such thing a few days back.

I was quoting a repair to customer A as customer B walked in. Customer A feigned a heart attack when I told him the price. He then turned to B and said that I was killing him. I jokingly told B that he may as well leave, that I wouldn't need his business after I was through extorting customer A.

Anyways, A says he'll think about it and leaves and I began to deal with B. To my delight, B being familiar with what A wanted, he first remarked, "I don't know what his problem is. That was a very good price you gave him." I said thanks. It's always nice to hear that you're actually an honest businessman. He continued, "How do you put up with that?". referring to customer's A's gyrations.

"Water off a duck's back, my Pops used to say," I told him. You can't let obnoxious stuff like that bother you. Let it seep away.

I try to remember that, because customers, hell, people in general, can be hard to deal with. Myself included, quite frankly. You just have to strive not to let it bother you. That whole incident was over in about 40 seconds. Why should it bug me? Okay, arguably I am letting it bother me right now, but to a purpose. I'm using the incident as an illustration. Don't let those things trouble you. Let them flow away like water off a duck's back.

I don't think it a bad way to conduct yourself at all. And by the way, A came back the next day and paid my price with no more issues. I like to think he realized he was being treated fairly after all.